Shades Of Grey

I am unclear of what to write here, I am without many words, many thoughts and emotions

I am a grieving mother, six and a half months out from the death of her first born daughter
I am an expectant mother, seven and a half months from birthing another precious soul.  The latter said with an air of wishful thinking...

Here right now, I'm surrounded with all the shadows and shades of grey
There is no thorough darkness to hide in my grief and sorrow
There is no bright light of hope and confidence in my body or this new soul
There is no balance, no equilibrium, no easy middle ground

I am still
I am calm
I am just waiting with a heavy heart

Not for the shit to hit the fan
Not for the next hurdle to jump
Not even for the months and weeks to zoom by

I am waiting to feel again and that is what is unsettling, unnerving me now.  It is by no means a conscious effort to push these things from my head and heart.  It just hasn't been realised yet, that things have changed so drastically

Life is still in action mode
I am still in action mode
I'm not ready to think about all this too deeply yet

When ever I do think of Elizabeth, it comes with the knowledge that I am carrying her sibling. One isn't separated from the other and I want to give myself over to just memories and remembrances of Elizabeth, or just wishes and dreams for this new soul - to either have that all consuming darkness of grief, or the shining hope that I can feed from and rest assured by it.  I am not ready for the opposite poles of emotion; to split myself, and I'm not wanting to get my babies mixed up in each others places within my heart...  They are different souls.

I am confused and I am left feeling numb in a place of varying shades of grey.  I know I have to relax into this place, not to fight it and things will change on its own.  But I am afraid of growing further away from my precious girl; my Elizabeth Layne.  I am scared that I'll not realise and know the joy of the here and now - I am so scared of not feeling.