My dearest Elizabeth,
I am finding things hard right now and by 'things', I mean it is hard keeping you close to me. I always thought it would come as a given that I'd feel you so powerfully, I didn't think I'd have to work so hard.
At the start we were so very close. Emotions were raw and barely containable, every pore exuded a part of you; that deep sorrow of wanting and missing you, my body aching for you, the mother's love emanated through into my every thought and mental movement of thoughts of what our lives should be. There was never a moment were I didn't think of you, or have you reminded by something around me. The raging emotions were so strong and powerful, so loud they were that my ears were ringing and couldn't focus on anything else around me.
And then something happened. A lot happened, a lot of talking, sharing, planning, writing and working myself towards getting back into my life and it has taken off. I found myself living that life again and all those strong, raw, loud emotions where slowly getting quieter. I have been noticing now for awhile that I am missing the 'ringing ears' and I don't like it one bit; I hate it. Your voice within me is almost a whisper sweet Elizabeth, I have to try hard to listen to it. It doesn't mean that your not thought of, it has just changed I guess - the Tourette's in my head has settled; the voice in my head that dares me to speck your name out to everyone and anyone is simply gone, and I miss it.
I love you so much baby girl.
I miss our life together, our family unit of you, me and your father. I will never know what life that one was, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming, wondering and wishing for you to still be here. I miss getting to know you, finding out who you are. I miss the fact that I don't know your voice or smile, I don't know where your tickle spots are or your giggles, I don't know your likes or dislikes and I don't know your gaze. It breaks my heart to know that I don't know anything of who you are Elizabeth. One day though, I do believe that we will have our time together...
Right now, I am just so scared of leaving you behind Elizabeth, of living my life and just placing you in the background of it. I don't want to just see your photos around the house, I need to feel you. I recognise this and will be working harder, writing a new journal just for you, getting on with your tree tapestry and striving to keep you with me always and not just locked up in my heart to feel sad about...
Because that is the crux of it I think; I am lost without all the powerful sadness surrounding me, I don't know this part of grief without it all. I have to listen carefully to your subtle voice and I don't have to block it out in order to live.
I am loving you Elizabeth and I am listening...
Sweet Tess, these feelings have only heightened for me as time has marched on. Almost three years. I can hardly believe it. I miss the intensity of those early days.
ReplyDeleteBut then, in other ways it has got easier and better, as I'm not sure I could stomach those days again in all reality. I know she's always with me. Elizabeth is always with you. Know that. Even if she just a whisper.
Love to you, courageous mama.
xo
Oh Tess, such a beautiful and touching post. Yes, I sometimes miss those early days, too, not that I want to be back in those gut-wrenching days, everything just seemed so clear cut back then. Of course I cried all day long and nobody expected anything other than that. It's different now, and better, too, of course, but I completely understand what you are saying. Praying that you are feeling her close to you today. xx
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean. I struggle to hold him near me when the whole world seems to want to move forward, move on, and yes push that horrible grief into the background. They don't what that means. Sending you love and hoping you are able to find a way to connect with Elizabeth and keep her near and dear to you. All my love to you mama~
ReplyDeleteMy dearest friend, what a beautiful and haunting post. Your realization of all that you are feeling seems to be a type of connection of its own. One that I know will grow stronger with each passing day.. I have to believe that. Elizabeth will always be the whisper in your soul... the child whose sound and personality you long to know. I wish things were so different... and at times I feel like that wish plays on like a broken record.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth will never be left behind. She is always with you. Hugs.
ReplyDelete