La-la Land & Limbo

Hmm, I'm not sure how to start, but know I need to keep writing here. The longer I leave it, the more tangled and messy the web becomes.

I've been away up country for a getaway with A; it has been lovely. Visiting the wine region, the rain forest, spa treatments and just indulging has been wonderful for us - not to mention very little contact with the outside world.  The fresh cool air, rolling green hills and mountains to make us feel as if we're back in Devon, UK...  To a time of innocence were we didn't know grief - isn't it strange how the feel of a place can conjure all those feelings?

Returning brought me back down with a bump; feeling numb about everything now - Tuesday's scan feels like it'll never get here.  All has been quite in reference to the bleeding, but it is still to be seen how it has, or hasn't effected things.  Trying not to even think about all the pg. related things - its just not happening to me, I have no control.

With this limbo land of not planning ahead (not for this soul or TTC again) I have had other concerns to keep my head awake at night.  Mainly I'm worried about losing all closeness to Elizabeth.  I have only known this grief; this meshed together deep sorrow/hurt/pain and the all encompassing love I have for her. Now what do I do when that slips from my grasp?  Yes, it does become easier to function in the day to day, I can smile, laugh and enjoy things.  I can see bumps and babies (no way newborns and that gives me little comfort) and not be sent into a tailspin....
But with all of that, I have lost touch of all that love I have for my daughter.  It is so tightly woven together this grief - lose one and the other goes too?

There is not an hour that passes that I do not think and miss Elizabeth. Many tears do not reach my eyes, but are ever present in my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back in my arms again, alive, fit and well. BUT I know it is just futile thinking about it all like that - she died and she isn't coming back to life. I don't know who I'm missing right now.  I haven't a clue what sort of things an almost 7 month old can do - I am missing the thoughts of who she might be; my perception of my daughter.

As I realise this, I seem to have moved away from her again and that just hurts me more.  I am scared that I'll never feel that love...

Or is that love buried beneath the guilt from living my life still?

I want to live.
I really want to live and feel happiness.
I want and need to feel that mother's love again.
I want to feel my husbands love and return it two fold.
I always want to feel my love outpouring for Elizabeth; her place in my heart secured.

I read Carly's recent post; 'What helped me the most on my journey with grief' and was so speechless with the last paragraph - it just spoke volumes to me and made me realise that this is my uncharted path, and its okay.  Its okay to laugh and find joy again; its not taking anything away from Elizabeth.  I've yet to see how that can be seen as honouring them - I doubt I have that place of mind just yet, but I'm willing to try and not feel guilty for it. Thank you Carly, I really needed to read and feel that today.

And so I wait for Tuesday morning; fingers and toes crossed, a little lighter in the heart too.