I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Saturday, March 19

La-la Land & Limbo

Hmm, I'm not sure how to start, but know I need to keep writing here. The longer I leave it, the more tangled and messy the web becomes.

I've been away up country for a getaway with A; it has been lovely. Visiting the wine region, the rain forest, spa treatments and just indulging has been wonderful for us - not to mention very little contact with the outside world.  The fresh cool air, rolling green hills and mountains to make us feel as if we're back in Devon, UK...  To a time of innocence were we didn't know grief - isn't it strange how the feel of a place can conjure all those feelings?

Returning brought me back down with a bump; feeling numb about everything now - Tuesday's scan feels like it'll never get here.  All has been quite in reference to the bleeding, but it is still to be seen how it has, or hasn't effected things.  Trying not to even think about all the pg. related things - its just not happening to me, I have no control.

With this limbo land of not planning ahead (not for this soul or TTC again) I have had other concerns to keep my head awake at night.  Mainly I'm worried about losing all closeness to Elizabeth.  I have only known this grief; this meshed together deep sorrow/hurt/pain and the all encompassing love I have for her. Now what do I do when that slips from my grasp?  Yes, it does become easier to function in the day to day, I can smile, laugh and enjoy things.  I can see bumps and babies (no way newborns and that gives me little comfort) and not be sent into a tailspin....
But with all of that, I have lost touch of all that love I have for my daughter.  It is so tightly woven together this grief - lose one and the other goes too?

There is not an hour that passes that I do not think and miss Elizabeth. Many tears do not reach my eyes, but are ever present in my heart. There is nothing I wouldn't give to have her back in my arms again, alive, fit and well. BUT I know it is just futile thinking about it all like that - she died and she isn't coming back to life. I don't know who I'm missing right now.  I haven't a clue what sort of things an almost 7 month old can do - I am missing the thoughts of who she might be; my perception of my daughter.

As I realise this, I seem to have moved away from her again and that just hurts me more.  I am scared that I'll never feel that love...

Or is that love buried beneath the guilt from living my life still?

I want to live.
I really want to live and feel happiness.
I want and need to feel that mother's love again.
I want to feel my husbands love and return it two fold.
I always want to feel my love outpouring for Elizabeth; her place in my heart secured.

I read Carly's recent post; 'What helped me the most on my journey with grief' and was so speechless with the last paragraph - it just spoke volumes to me and made me realise that this is my uncharted path, and its okay.  Its okay to laugh and find joy again; its not taking anything away from Elizabeth.  I've yet to see how that can be seen as honouring them - I doubt I have that place of mind just yet, but I'm willing to try and not feel guilty for it. Thank you Carly, I really needed to read and feel that today.

And so I wait for Tuesday morning; fingers and toes crossed, a little lighter in the heart too.

6 comments:

  1. Sending you all the love and good wishes I have. This takes me right back to a time when I was newly pregnant with Angus. So many conflicting emotions. One thing is certain though, you will never leave Elizabeth behind. She's always with you.
    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad you were able to get away and just enjoy spending some quality time with A. It sounds like it was a wonderful trip. I too am learning how to laugh and not feel like every time I focus on something else that I am forgetting my babes. I know they always come right back. Odd as it may sound one thing that helped me this week was sitting in support group and hearing a mom only a month out in her grief. I can see just how far I have come from where she is to where I am at now, when I had trouble seeing it before. Carly's posts are amazing and I think the one thing that I am most definitely taking away from them is the sunrise and sunset photo on his first birthday. I may not be able to manage much else, but I think that I can do and it would be a precious memory. All my love to you Tess. I will be thinking and hoping and sending all the love in the world your way on Tuesday morning~

    ReplyDelete
  3. This says it all right now... "Many tears do not reach my eyes, but are ever present in my heart".
    I wish for so much... and I will be keeping you in my heart always.... Love to you my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Tess, so much of what you write sums up everything about where I find myself these days as well. And like Leslie said, your words, "Many tears do not reach my eyes but are ever present in my heart," is exactly how I feel.

    Sending you love and all my best wishes for Tuesday, and the following Tuesday, and the following Tuesday, and so on and so on and all the days in between those Tuesdays as well.

    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  5. I just wanted to say Elizabeth is beautiful and I am so sorry she isn't here. xo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes, sometimes I kind of miss that grief from the early days, only because it felt so powerful and I felt close to him, then. Sometimes, it all feels eons away.

    Crossing everything for you and hoping for wonderful news on Tuesday.

    ReplyDelete