The Mutterings of a Messy Head

My cousin has just given birth to her long awaited IVF baby.

A little girl and she was a week or so over due. While it comes as such a relief to hear of her safe arrival, the knife is sticking out of my chest now. All around me in my real life there are little baby girls growing in big bellies and being born - it just seems so easy. I am just so fucking glad I am carrying another daughter, a baby at all right now! I'd hate to know the pain of these updates without Amelia within me...

I just need to get things off my chest right now, hence the constant stream of bitty crap posts. I am struggling with everything and just can't get the words out - I'm a hot pot of boiling emotions and I haven't a clue where to start dissecting it all; I'm reacting in a knee jerk manor.

Real life people aren't around for me at this moment; my trusted BLM friend is on holiday and having an equally hard time coping with that, another has just come back after being away for 7 weeks and hasn't a clue of all the ups and downs of my life right now (not that I do for that matter!). My family aren't the ones I can talk to about this messy head state; they are a millions miles away and would feel completely hopeless to help - I can't even get a hug over the phone.

Then of course there is all that mess with 'those hurtful words' that I'm trying so hard to forget about. Will she respect my wishes and just leave me alone for a few days to focus on Elizabeth's birthday? No. With every apologetic mail that comes my way, there is more resentment added and an even bigger wish to never hear from her again. I hate that her stupid fucking selfish words has affected me so much in this way.

The mental effort to keep my head in the present is constant - when I'm not trying to distract myself with the mindless. I know I should just let myself be, but I don't want to be this tangled mess of hateful anger, hot wired to lash out at the few people who are around me now. Namely my handsome husband who has been nothing but absolutely great with all of this - he hasn't even taken sides with me against the 'hurtful woman', as he knows that I'd just get torn up trying to defend family. Ode to have his arms around me constantly, his smiles and actions of distraction.

Through all of this I have a fresh closeness to Amelia. She is my savour, my hope, my joy, my constant little wringer that never fails to put a smile on my face. Whenever I pass a reflection of us, I am in awe that I am carrying another daughter and she is alive this moment.
I had always felt (since losing Elizabeth) that pregnant women on a whole had something that was mine; that there was only a certain allowed to be pregnant at the same time and they had jumped the queue and taken my turn to have a baby to take home. Stupid I know, but that didn't stop those feelings.

My turn did come and all I could do was deny it, not get my hopes up and try to integrate Elizabeth and my grief into our daily lives. The recent start of the change in me was meeting another BLM who had her subsequent baby and had told me of her struggle of the practicalities of actually bring a live baby home (that was her overriding advice for me - be prepared). I class myself as a practical person and had something to work on and that meant trying to believe that Amelia will come home with us. Hence the start of the pregnancy update posts and then I had That Dream a few weeks ago that reinforced to me that our dreams might actually come true.

Then the shit hit the fan last week with the scariest trip to the hospital - it was like wading through a nightmare of a year ago, but in thinking you know the devastating outcome already. Thankfully staff were quick to test, check, medicate me and tell us that things looked good, and to be honest the stay in hospital was a relief, along with the steroid shots and attentive care they gave us.

As I alluded to then, I had a lot of time to think about things and I really bonded with Amelia. I take such great enjoyment from the smallest of things; her kicks as her father talks in a low silly voice to her, her wonderfully active reaction to my singing and acrobatics when Pink.Floyd's Marooned is played, her stretches and sugar rush after a SHC (hot choccy), her quick responses to my questioning nudges when I get anxious - never failing!

I am now the pregnant lady with the blossoming big belly who is never not rubbing it with a smile on her face - maybe I am just checking to feel for a 'tightening' and smiling because I've not, or maybe I am rubbing her butt up in my ribs, maybe I'm giving comfort to my beloved Amelia rubbing her back or poking back at her foot? I love her so much it is hard to keep a straight face; it's only taken 29 weeks to get here for me to actually admit that out loud.

This is where I am right now.

My heart being pulled so many ways is it at breaking point.
My head is so completely foreign to me, I'm just trying to ignore it for now.
My body is doing what it needs with minimal help from the other two - thank goodness.

I do feel better for getting that out of my head, having put some punctuation to the thoughts and giving it focus - instead of letting the mice run amok.
And I must say thank you for all the kind and thoughtful words left on past posts recently - I don't write for them, but when they do come I am heartened and humbled by the show of love and support...

Thank you

********

News flash - I have just seen that Sally (of Tuesday's Hope) has just given birth;  Hope and Angus have a gorgeous little sister, Juliet. This is such great news for me to hear and it's truly lifted my spirits, I am so utterly thrilled and over the moon for her - if not a little jealous that she gets to hold her daughter right now...

But that is such a minor aspect of my feelings. I'm kind of wanting to revise my spiel about my cousins newborn daughter and about the rest of the girls due and being born - none of them are BLM's and none have walked in these ugly shoes is all I can really say in my defence.

I am truly happy for Sally, so relieved and thrilled for her whole family - no knife in the chest with this fantastic news. It gives more hope that while some of us in the world are so very unlucky to know the grief with losing our child(ren), there are also these great and wonderful things happening too.

Bitter sweet. A new daughter's birth one day, the next being the third birthday of Hope Angel. You are all held in my heart Sally, in these coming days especially.

Birthday Plans, The Beach & a Pregnancy Update

So what are we doing for Elizabeth's birthday this coming Monday?

I sent out cards to family and friends with a photo of Elizabeth in it - I know many of the family haven't got one and thought it time they did. The card asks them to join us in remembering her on 22nd by taking a photograph of the sunrise and sunset that day. We will be doing this every year and collecting the photos in an album, then when the time comes I can hand this down to Amelia and any siblings to carry on. As I see it, the beauty of this is that no matter where you are in the world; you'll always be able to see the sun, stop and remember our Elizabeth in those moments. It is such a small part of the day, to be mindful at the start and finish of her day...

Well actually the planning part is quite time consuming really as I discovered. I took a sunrise scope out at a local beach on the West of the bay yesterday. I made sure I had everything sorted; address to follow, checked I had enough space on a memory card, charged my camera and set my alarm for half 5 in the morning, made a flask of tea and got rugged up - it was rewarded with a deserted and peaceful beach, I only passed two lots walking their dogs. It is a small sandy beach, lots of birds about and the waters were so calm. I think there is plenty of scope to write her name in the sand too.
The sun coming up was beautiful; it came behind distant mountains and because of the cloud cover, made such a red spectacle in them. I didn't actually see the sun at all, but those moments between the mountains and clouds where worth it. The weather here is due to be gloriously clear and sunny, so my hopes are high for Monday.

We will be taking the sunset photo from the tallest building in Melbourne; a shot over the city - we don't know where we'll be next year, the year after or after that and I like the difference the photos will show - this is where we are living here and now and get the best of both worlds.

And it doesn't really matter how the photos come out to be honest; it's the thought of holding Elizabeth in our hearts and minds. So I extend the invitation out to the blogosphere; if any of you wonderful readers would like to remember Elizabeth and contribute to her album of sunrise and/or sunset photos - we would be most honoured and that would make heart soar!

There will be a cake made; a super-duper chocolate cake with double icing and smarties on top - I'll probably bake it the day before - that was one stipulation that A. made; something to sweeten the day. He has taken the day off and it'll be just us, but there will be time to ourselves; to write and think of our daughter without having to think of the other. There will be candles lit, lots of cuddles, tears, smiles, but mostly love in our hearts. That is my main aim, to remember her with this wondrous love and not turn her day into some kind of sad, depressed day where I'm selfishly just thinking of what we have lost.
Something to aspire to eh...

Pregnancy Update

Gestation

29 weeks and 2 days

How are you physically?

Not bad considering I was in hospital this time last week, I have been taking it gently and haven't had anymore episodes of the tightenings, only a sporadic few Brixton Hicks. I actually went for a swim with no adverse affects this morning, which adds to my confidence a little.

But I am slowing down again now I'm in the last trimester; getting tired and needing to rest more - although I'm not sure if that is to with my state of mind or not?

How are you doing emotionally?

Emotionally I'm a mess. I have cried at the drop of a hat the past few days, for touching cards/emails sent for Elizabeth's birthday, beautiful texts and photos - then on the flip side of that the is all the anger and frustration of 'those harsh words' having conjured in me. I just don't have the energy required to please everyone, nor the will to do so. I just want to cocoon myself away and remember Elizabeth in peace. But in doing that I'd miss the heartfelt thoughts, actions and words of others - I'm stuck.

Hospital appointments and clinical

My discharge summery said 'threatened preterm labour', but all is well still here. 

My only appointment this week is with the Endocrinologist today, just getting blood results back to which they are all good - I did pass the GTT with flying colours too.

Next week I have an appointment with Penny.

Weights

I lost a bit of weight this week - growth spurt over with for awhile.

At the level 2 ultrasound the end of last week, measurements made Amelia to weigh in at about 1300g (2.8lbs) and was asked if I had GD by the sonographer - she is getting big and measuring a least a week ahead in all parts, which we couldn't be happier about; Elizabeth was a small baby and suffered some growth restriction. 

Cravings 

Tuna sandwiches and drinking my own weight in hot drinks of one sort or another - all non caffeinated and usually very milky.

Preparations & Plans

There are sales in the shops for baby clothes right now and all I've done is asked them when they finish; some end this weekend - will my want for a bargain out weigh my reluctance to buy any baby staples before Elizabeth's birthday?

Belly Photo

29 weeks - August 15th

Mental Fucking Exhuastion

You know what I am stumped, angry and at a complete loss.
I am so strung out, so mentally stretched just now I haven't a clue what way is up.

I thought those nights in hospital were the worst - no, it's the aftermath that is getting the better of me and that is really just fucking me off. How have I survived that hospital experience with a level head, just to come back to such backwash of shit to bloody knock me down so hard? Why is it that the people I hold so close can turn the tables on me so completely. How have they made it all about them?

I can't believe how stressed out this has made me feel, I'm not functioning nor sleeping; I'm just so angry. I'm so distracted and insensed by their words, turning around and around in my head gaining speed and power. How the fuck can I have gotten through all that at the hospital and then fall so completely on my face, just from my reaction to another's fucking words? I'm so angry with myself! Why has that seeped in beneath my skin to affect me so much, why do their words cut so deeply.

Why so close to the 22nd, of all the fucking time within a year - why now when I'm needing every single bit of strength I can muster?
Why am I making this so much harder for myself than I have to? Why am I letting them use up all that energy I wanted for keeping myself sane this end of the month? I am just so disappointed with me for letting them get the better of me, and angry that they can do so with such ease.

I had such a lovely vision of keeping the run up to Elizabeth's day all about her; her beauty, her life, her memories, her remembrance, the love we have for her and keeping that alive in our hearts. It's all tainted with this fucking anger now, I can't see away through it and it's just turned into a time of stress and about those who don't give enough of a fuck - I can't believe I've let the words of others affect me so much...

I just haven't got the mental agility to get myself out of this right now, I'm so mentally exhausted - oh please let me put this behind me, so I can put my energies into my Elizabeth's birthday and remembering her the way I want and need to.

Back At Home Now

As I'm sitting here in my comfy corner of the living room, my feet up and a hot brew by my side, I am loving every single little kick, jab, twist and turn from little Amelia within. It is dusk now and things are calm here, I hear the birds calling and see the fresh new white bits of blossom on the tree outside the window - the seasons are changing fast.

I have been back home for a day and night now and how great it is to be so. Hospital for two nights isn't all that fun, quite knackering really. All is well with us, all is back to a 'normal' again and for that I couldn't be happier! A lot has happened really, more so I am discovering mentally now I have time to take stock of what actually happened; my feelings and how they have altered too. I am counting my lucky stars to be honest, lapping up every moment I have and savouring it.

The short of the long story is that I was having 'tightenings' (Braxton Hicks, preterm labour contractions - whatever you want to call them; the nurses/doctors called them 'tightenings' and so do I now) that were relentless, regular and frequent and at 28 weeks that should not be happening. I tried everything to rid myself of them to begin with, drinking loads of water, lying on my left and I tried to sleep through them, but when A. came home an hour later I actually timed them and they were coming every minute and a half, lasting 30 seconds. This sent me into a tailspin and called the hospital at once, they told us to head straight in.

They had my notes ready and so knew of our history, losing Elizabeth there and I found myself being wheeled up to 'that' labour and delivery ward; I just found it so bloody hard; the same smells, same colours, same lights but thankfully a different room. The CTG (Cardiotocography) machine was hooked up and that is when I started to calm down; just hearing the galloping of her steady heart rate was an awesome relief and seeing that the 'tightenings' weren't stressing her out.
I donned my 'best advocate' hat and started holding it together.

I was kept in on the Antenatal ward to be watched like a hawk; to ensure the 'tightenings' had fully calmed down, which they did after the medication I received. This decision was made easier with the facts that my placenta was still far too low to allow a natural birth and due to the LETTS (LEEP) procedure I had done in December, they weren't going to risk me going anywhere near a natural labour. So covering all bases they started the steroid shots for Amelia's lung development and asked me whether I wanted to talk to the paediatrician about delivering a 28 week old baby - to which I almost chocked; there was no way I was going down that path until I was there, so no thank you!

Test results later showed that I wasn't going to go into labour within the next week. I also showed no signs of actually dilating and lab results showed there was no infection of any kind; we have no cause or trigger to blame it all on.

On discharge I was told its back to normal for me now, but I'm taking it easy. I am hyper aware of every feeling I'm getting from my uterus and usually have my hand on top of my fundus to tell if its just her butt butting me or a 'tightening' - its getting harder to tell now she is using up her available space in there. And she is getting big too, we had the level 2 ultrasound straight after leaving the ward, she is measuring ahead at least a week, weighing it at 1300 odd grams (almost 3lbs) - considering Elizabeth was small; just under the 7lb mark, I think this little girl won't be so little.

So all is well and good just now; we're just keeping our fingers crossed that she stays put for another nine to ten weeks and my sanity holds on. I must admit that I've had a lot of time to 'deal' with a whole host of mental musings and feel on top of everything - just about. I am so very aware of Elizabeth's birthday coming up, but I'm glad I could focus on getting through that tough time with Amelia first without heading back into a stressed out place - I am just feeling so very fucking lucky.

Things with A. have gone from great to even better thankfully - there is no way I'd be half the person I am today without his steadfast love and support. He is my ultimate security blanket and love nothing else than to be wrapped up in his arms; Amelia nestled between us and Elizabeth and Taggpole in our hearts.

Dreaming

I had a dream a few mornings ago that has stayed with me, with an awesome aftertaste. I know I dream, just as everyone else does, its the remembering of those dreams that I have trouble with. This dream was so vivid, so bright and colourful and the feelings that came with it - absolutely special!

I was holding Amelia, she was just born, warm and small; about the size she is inside me now. She was beautifully pink with the glow of fresh life, her eyes open gazing at me with her green/blue eyes. Her hair was short, but dark (darker than Elizabeth's spun golden hair) and oh so beautifully fine and soft. The top of her head had this wonderful bagginess feeling to it under my hand and fingers; so cute with those pink ripples of soft silky skin and hair, just like the smooth ripples of water. I could feel it under my kisses, smell her in and feel her warmth. That is the part that I dip into to make me smile from my heart.

The dream did get a little weird after that; she was telling what she wanted to do that day and then she grew up a month or so in a flash of an eye - but those images and feelings are seared into my mind and heart and that has given me a confidence that I never thought possible. I am so connected to her right now - I've held her in my dreams as I already do in my heart and just can't wait to hold her in my arms for real. This confidence is real (for now) and I can see Amelia being born alive. She is a part of our family and a very real person to me already, and to A. too. I am so thankful to have remembered this awesome part of my mornings dream, it has helped make a leap of bonding with her - as it would be so easy to just wait and hedge our bets until she emerged in our arms a few months from now.

Pregnancy Update

I found the Pumpkin Pages again; I haven't a clue where they went, but their back and updated again.
I saw some pregnancy updates much like these on other blogs, so have adopted one of my own to try and keep all the information as brief as possible(ish).

Gestation

27 weeks

27 weeks - August 1st

How are you physically?

Feeling good on the whole, Amelia is so active!

Sleeping good with a few vivid dreams - but maybe that is just because A. is on nights at the moment?

Getting really full on fluids; uncomfortably so and then not having any room to eat. I've put on another kilo and my belly really does feel bigger, my stomach smaller.

I've not been hit with too much tiredness and have had a very productive week really.

How are you doing emotionally?

Not bad at all - I'm really on top of everything I wanted to complete before Elizabeth's birthday, I'm getting so much done - I think I'm keeping myself really busy so I've not got the time to take stock, but it's all things that I've been putting off; you know the jobs that I just thought that would magically get done within her first year, well I am doing them now - feels like nesting of sorts.

Hospital appointments and clinical

Nothing new at Penny's appointment last Thursday, although we got to see Amelia - highlight of my two week wait and had the Glucose Tolerance Test then; I'll take it no news is good news (fingers crossed). Saw my psychologist last week too and she's starting to wear a little thin - she loves the sound of her voice and doesn't appear to listen to what I say. Anyway, no appointments for this week at the hospital - that has got to be the first!

Weights

26 weeks up 0.5kg

27 weeks up 1.0kg!

Cravings

Signature Hot Chocolate - still I just can't get enough of them and have to really limit myself when I'm in the city, they just bloat me up and end up sloshing around the city.

Preparations & Plans

All Elizabeth's cards are done and sent. Photos are in frames and up.

All photos are waiting a day where I can play loud music (A. has been sleeping the days) to get her photo album sorted; at least all photos are printed now.
I now have space in my head to think more seriously about working on Elizabeth's Tree tapestry again, but still have Bunny to finish. This flash of creative energy I think has been ignited by the prospect of a 6 week Creative Art Group lead by the SIDS & Kids that starts this week.

I Carry Your Heart

A dear friend sent me a mail this morning of a poem she read and wanted to share with me. I am so thankful that she did as I'd never heard it before and it just says so much to right now with where I am ~ Thank you Eva's Mamma

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in

my heart) i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry you in my heart (i carry it in my heart)

~ e. e. cummings