In The Harsh Light of The Night

Written late at night between Thursday 7th and early Friday morning.

Why is it that I can go through the day feeling okay with something, only to be blindsided when the mice are out playing of the night time. I get the chance to digest all the information I guess, really absorb it all and assess how happy I am with it.

And I'm not happy.

I'm awake while A. sleeps soundly beside me, I am knackered, but the mice are on speed and won't let me rest until this has been focused on and ripped apart to revel the reasons, whys and hows of it all.

I asked Penny about what to expect from the elective c-section, she answered in quite some detail too. Now this is the first time I've actually thought about it as if it's going to happen - and that stems from a friend showing me an English elective c-section that was beautiful (as much as it could be, if you know what I mean) I wasn't dry eyed by the end of that UTube clip. I knew things would be different over here (the clip was for a pilot program they were testing in the UK) and just wanted to be aware of those differences before I was actually walking into the theatre - I'm the person who needs to know all the information, who likes to be able to visualise what is going to happen; surprises are only good if I know they are coming!

Anyway, I was taking all the information in she gave me and was quite happy with that - until she mentioned the fact that if Recovery is busy on that particular day, then A. would be taking Amelia up to the ward for the 45 minutes that I'd have to stay there in Recovery straight after the surgery.

I stopped smiling at her words then, I went very quite and just listened to what she said about not worrying about the immediate skin to skin, breast feeding and bonding (she said those 45 minutes aren't the be all and end all to those things). She said it's a lovely for the father to get that precious time to be with baby before mother has to take over for feeding and the like, and most of the time mother wants a bit of rest after the surgery; the spinal can make you drowsy...

I didn't like that one bit and she could see that, although I just couldn't put it into words the absolute feeling that it was so wrong for me. She told me to ask the midwife that would be looking after us that day, that I want Amelia to stay with me, but if that couldn't happen then that was the way it was. I took it on board and said that at least I know what to expect, could mentally prepare for that maybe and would be asking to the midwife to keep us together at any rate - I'd just have to deal with it if we had to be separated for only 45 minutes.

So now the full horror of that has settled in me now and I know I won't be able to do that. There is no way I'm going to be left alone in Recovery without my husband or daughter again. I've never posted Elizabeth's birth story on here, I've written it out maybe twice before, but it's too fucking painful to read it through, check for all the many faults in grammar and spelling and put into a concise light. It is a horrid gritty tale that I suppose doesn't need tarting up for consumption by others, all the same I have put it down and I don't want all those emotions flooding me with all the heart wrenching details at this point in the game!

You see Elizabeth's birth was so very fucked up; under dire emergency circumstances, one minute I was getting checked, the next minute I was being wheeled into the OR; 'code blue', 'code red' blaring - I didn't know what was happening and was put under general anaesthetic within 15 minutes from walking onto the labour ward. On waking in Recovery my first question was, where was A. the next was where is my daughter? To which I was told that they couldn't save her, she had died...

I didn't hear anymore than that, I was wracked with such sobbing and wailing; everyone left me alone, I didn't see anyone in the deserted Recovery for long time - I was abandoned with my pain.


That memory is seared into my mind and one that makes me wake in a cold sweat with my heart pounding - why the hell it didn't surface to Penny at the time I don't know - maybe everything does look and sound less intimidating in the light of day? But I will be explaining myself to her next week and ensuring there is enough people in Recovery to allow A. and Amelia to stay with me throughout - I don't mind if it's not skin to skin, or that A. is getting all the cuddles - I need them both there for my sanity.

A. Is a doctor and just happens to be on his anaesthetic rotation working in theatres right now, so him being in Recovery won't be new to him - I hope this will be another point that I can win favour with; although I hope by me just explaining myself to Penny she'll pull all the right strings to accommodate me - fingers crossed.

To be continued next week...