Superficial Living

This is one of the few times that I've picked up my computer over the past few weeks and wanted/needed to say something. This is one of those times where my mind just won't settle and have to get down what is going through it.  This one one of those lucid moments of deep thought, there may not be one for a long while when I am able to write.  It is 4am, its not freezing and my husband is working his last night shift; so why not use this time to write rather then grab up a book or even easier just my phone and distract myself...

I'm quite stuck right now; its unconsciously done, but don't have the strength to get myself out. I am living a surface life with no deeper meaning than to just get through the day without harm. I'm constantly running from anything which allows me time within my own head and after the past (almost) nine months, that is something really quite foreign to me. Home isn't my safe place any more, sitting in the window with computer on my lap isn't happening - the poor birds are getting neglected. I have tried to make my home more inviting to me by changing the three bedrooms about; organising new ways of living in this space, finding new things to do within these walls...

I still want to run from here and immerse myself into the world of action, doing and anything which takes quite time away from me - I don't know, am I scared of being in my head for any length of time? That must be it. Just scared of the future I could paint; all the 'what-ifs', good and bad.

I'm protecting myself I know. I am functioning, I am doing really well if truth be told.  I'm not beside myself with anxiety and that is a shocker to me. I am just floating along with the current and just taking a back seat in everything, giving no attention to the view as I go. Although there is the other side of that coin too - no anxiety, no excitement, actually there is no anticipation at all.  There is no future planning when it comes to this new soul - I'll cross that bridge when I get there. I guess this is what it is like to really live in the moment, but I guess this sort isn't the aspired version; I have the self imposed version.

I'm finding it so hard to talk with anyone beyond the day to day living. There have been a few moments of lucidity between A. and I, but they are few and far between right now - thankfully he has been working nights this past two weeks and we've barely had more than a few hours together; its good enough just to keep things on an even keel. My sister will ask me how I'm doing (and really ask too) and I just deflect back or answer in a superficial way and I know she can tell.
(How am I? Physically okay, everything is looking good today, but mentally? Whoa. Such a loaded question. Do they really want to know, should I make something up to make them feel okay? Do they really want to know the inner workings of my mind, all the many sides of the coin - fuck, I don't even know how I'm doing.)
I've let other contacts wither too; the people that have meant so much to me, the life lines of understanding and empathy. My families emails have gone unanswered, every one's mails have and I've not called home in weeks.

I feel wretched about this and that only serves to make me bury my head deeper into the ground. This distancing isn't a conscious effort, its clearly what I've go to do to just now. With any hope just the act of writing this will help me see what I'm doing and wake me up to this.  But what is 'this'; denial? Whatever it is, I'm not of the inclination to go into it now - it just is.

I'm in uncharted territory here, I am in self preservation mode and I am finding a way. I am in a very different place from almost everyone I know and that in itself is heightening my sense of distance and isolation.

Things will inevitably change...