The Past Month

I'm trying hard to live.

I'm planning more than just a few days ahead, not months or anything like that yet. I think the fact that I'm having all these hospital appointments made for me a month to three weeks in advance is helping; I'm having to plan other things around those.  And its not just the OB, midwife, physician, MFM appointments; I have psychology appointments that the hospital has just started up too.  Dr Psych has also suggested I attend a 'teaching group' for anxious mothers going through a subsequent pregnancy (I'm lead to believe its mostly for PND suffers, but the tools and advice maybe helpful to me too) I'll give anything a go once, I mean what harm can it do?
Along with all those I have my monthly group meetings with the SIDS & KIDS that I've continued to go to from the outset and have made some good contacts there.  They also have a Support During Pregnancy group that I'll give another go. I was quite frankly quite horrified on my first visit, but can now realise the scope of the fear and anxiety surrounding these pregnancies. I also have known support going from the other group; so fingers crossed.

I have also been working hard at being more present with my life, not taking everything for granted and really immersing myself in the day to day; making each day count.  I've been stagnant for too long, stuck in my head and not 'doing'.  I'm in an another action phase and I'm okay with that now.

I do however feel like I'm a fine tangle of thoughts and emotions though.  So much has happened over this past month and I'm so far behind getting it all down here - I'm afraid that it'll all come out as a huge splurge and make no sense at all.  I guess that is why I've been distancing myself from everything and putting off writing.  I'm sure as things resurface I'll elaborate more, but for the time being I'll just recap with the shorter version.

So with the folks being here for almost a month; it was hard.  More functional problems more than anything else; just having my father and his vegan partner under our roof.  I was 16 when I left home and was 12 when my parents separated - I've lived on my own for 16 years and had to fend for myself emotionally for over 20...  Anyway, I think Freud would have a headache with our family dynamics, so I'll not bore you with it here.
As well as it was hard having them here, it was also lovely to have them near once I got my head around the fact that they were doing their best to love and support me; I did start to relax and open up to them.  They left on good terms, very good actually and that has made me all the more happier to have made such an effort with and for them. I have no regrets.

There has also been quite a few anniversaries and dates of significance to remember over this month.

Elizabeth's eight months - which coincided the folks last days here and had to be selfish to our own needs/wants; A and I spent the day together (that in itself was a rare occurrence seeing as he has been working every hour under the sun - maybe so he could get out of spending time with them? It'll be paid back to him when his parents visit!).  I brought huge bunches of Oriental Lilies, I had them dotted about the house and the smell of them are just divine and lasted for weeks - those are now associated with Elizabeth and will buy those on the 22nd each month instead of the tulips.

Mothering Sunday in the UK a few weeks ago - that one caught me off guard.  I received heartfelt and beautiful texts and emails from family and had a really nice chat with my sister K too.  That warmed me cockles.

Sharing news of this new soul - we'd passed the twelfth week and with the folks being here, we couldn't really hide the fact that I was always tired, having food aversions and sickness, too sensitive smell, was quite cranky and having all the hospital appointments.  They cried at the news and then again on seeing our NT scan (DVD) and was just wowed.  They were so happy for us, but took on board our fears of having everyone think that this new soul was our 'band-aid' baby; suddenly making our world bright and rosy and 'fixing' us - it won't, it'll never be okay that Elizabeth isn't here in our arms...  But we can hope with this one.
I'm happy to say that they have passed all of this information onward to the family and for that I am truly thankful for their understanding about our fears and hopeful anticipation. I must admit sharing our news has been easier than I expected and am really quite touched by the responses from the family in respect to remembering Elizabeth, while nicely expectant (not too much and not too little) for this new soul.

Easter came and went too - without family over here, it was just a very, very long weekend (with Anzac Day making it a five day holiday), the Sunday just another day, albeit a rather posh one.  Myself and a friend (A. working) went for afternoon tea at a fancy hotel in the city and very civilised it was too.

A. and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary.  Yes we did celebrate it too! I can honestly say that we had a wonderful time that day on the 26th. That evening we got all dressed up, I managed to fit into an old favourite dress, with room to breathe and a degustation menu later and I'd worn makeup for the first time in eight months!  A beautiful meal, relaxed, happy, talkative and with every sip of my mocktail (and his G&T) we toasted 'to our babies' and 'us'.  A wonderful day and night.  I am so lucky to have found and married the most perfect man for me...  and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Then there is this weekend - Mother's Day here in AU and the fact that I'm at the point in this pregnancy where we lost Taggpole.  It is a twisted weekend full of all the what-ifs and they are endless and tireless.  I haven't put the tv on for all the bombarding of the Mother's Day over here (Classical fm doesn't care thankfully and neither does my 'best of' playlist) and have been busying myself with manual tasks - swapping all the bedrooms about with A's help.  I am lucky that A. is here with me and not working all weekend, without his support I would have crumbled and failed today.  It was hard enough moving Elizabeth's things out of her room (to be put in a bigger, brighter room); it was such a mess and just fell apart hysterically.

Dearest Taggpole, oh sweet first child, where do I start?  I have cried many, many tears today.

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So with all this functioning/action/living; have I left Elizabeth behind me? I don't think so, no. She is a part of me, of our lives, our thoughts and hearts.  She is in our day to day, she is in our conversations and planning, she is in our past, present and future.  She is very much in our hearts and well remembered.

I think the main thing that has changed for me is the fact that I've shed a lot of the pain I carry around for Elizabeth.  I've had to hide that while the folks were here and guess I just got used to the way that felt; I didn't buck at it and took it for what it was. I'm not saying it was easy at all; I felt terrible for not allowing me to feel it, but I'm okay, I could function and still hold onto her without all the hurt, pain and utter sorrow.

The flashbacks have taken a consistent back seat too. Talking to my SIDS & KIDS counsellor Petra really did help and would urge anyone having troubles with them, to seek out someone who can draw out all the details in a safe and somewhat comforting environment.  I didn't think that just talking would do much, but wow, I was wrong.

Something else I have really found helpful is another suggestion from Petra - I was needing another way to help me keep Elizabeth close to me and she suggested I keep a journal especially for writing to her.  I write every week, if not more and it gives me the chance to really focus all my thoughts on her and concentrate on exploring my all feelings; everything I want to say and have her know.  Its one thing to think of her, but another to really cultivate those thoughts and put them down on paper; really focusing on them. I have found this most helpful in bridging the gap that I have felt growing between us; I feel so close to my sweet girl when I write in that journal.

I have also been keeping another journal; this one is for this new soul.  I write in when I need to, after some milestone is reached, or a scan.  This I use to be able to bond and again explore my thoughts/fears/anxiety and be able to build on the growing anticipation. I'm trying to be more present, be glad of every new day have and realise I have so many blessings to count.  I hope that writing this journal will bring me closer to getting my head around this pregnancy and teach me gratitude for all that I do have and hopefully have in the future...  But isn't that a projecting thought?

I have ideas blossoming about Elizabeth's first birthday.  I want to make August 22nd something special, something that others can help me remember her, wherever they are in the world.  I was quite taken with Carly's actions of taking a sunrise and sunset photo on Christian's birthday and that has taken seed.  It is something that I can do every year; take these sun up/down pictures from wherever I happen to be and make an album of them all.  I have spoken to several family members about this idea and they are all up for taking their own photos and passing them on to me for an album - its going to be such an achievement I think, such a visual and present way of remembering our dear Elizabeth.
I just have to be at the highest height for her sunrise photo now; being in the East coast.  I have already looked into a hot air balloon, but that is a no go (not for the size I'll hopefully be by then), so will have to go for the highest building in the city - the sunset photo will be a lot more straight forward.

I will get around to updating the Pumpkin Pages at some point soon.

I have been feeling on top of things really, with the exception of this today's mini meltdown. I have needed to take time to myself in order to take stock of the past month and I'm not feeling bad at all.  As I said before; nothing will ever make it right that Elizabeth died - but I want to live, I need to live.  I want to try and get the best out of what is left and want to succeed in being the best mother I can to Taggpole's and Elizabeth's siblings and in order to do that I need to put a lot of effort into getting myself on track again.  I don't want their memories to be the lasting bad taste; I don't want Elizabeth's death to be my own downfall.  I do want more for myself and I want to honor their memories with good things in my life; of which they are a huge part of and want and need that to shine through.

I hope this Mother's Day treats you all well
Remembering our babies always