Nine

It is another Sunday the 22nd.

Its been nine months since you were born baby girl.
Just thirty-nine weeks ago you were in our arms.
In four days you will have been gone longer than we had you for...

I'm unsure if I want to hate these sort of days, or whether I want to keep them sacred and just for you. Right now I'm not wanting anything negative to touch you, so today will become your day darling; full of light, warmth, love and remembrance. It doesn't stop the flashbacks of how things came to be, I remember you with such a clarity and cling on to your perfect beauty. Just talking over your birthday with your father this morning brought so much detail back to us, both the good and the bad.

I miss you with all of me sweet Elizabeth.

Nothing in this world will ever make this alright with me.
I am so wronged. You are so very wronged too - this was your life!
So much of this grief has been about getting my head straight, that sometimes I lose the focus to be mad for you darling - please excuse that and know I would give my all to have your warm self here with us still; to see you grow, thrive, learn, explore, laugh, love...

I still haven't picked up the What To Expect in the first year book, I just can't bring myself to do that so I really don't have a clue on what I'm missing out on with your developmental stages and milestones - but I miss each and every one of them. I like to think that I will have that chance with your siblings, so that book is going back on the shelf for now.

Beautiful girl you will always be our beloved firstborn baby, the older sister to whom ever else comes next and the apple of my eye. You will always be our perfect daughter, the one that can do no wrong - I know it will be a long time before your perfection is fully seen and all the hurt and pain that surrounds your death fades.

I am learning to cope with this heartache, this eternal yearning and missing of you; I carry it around with me like a heavy weight and it is something that I'm getting quite used to now. My skin is hardening to external triggers, of course I still feel the stab of realisation and pain, but my recovery time is getting quicker. Sometimes I amaze myself and it is almost like water off a duck's back - does that make you worry less about me?

I can function the day to day mindless stuff
You are in our day to day, our every day
I am there for your father when he is crumbling
I remember you, I talk to you, I miss you

Oh, how I'm missing you...

You are the burning heat that resides in my heart
I love you Elizabeth Layne
I will always love you