Slow Changes

I'm so unsure what to write here these days. Some times I have so much to get down, at other times I just don't have the time nor inclination to sit and write, other times I'm just lost for words. There is so much going on in my head right now and not a lot of actual changes in my life - it is fair to say that this pregnancy is a mind fuck!

I'm feeling old and run down and overwhelmed in reality. My body is just not finding this pregnancy a breeze as it did carrying Elizabeth. I guess being pregnant 81 weeks out of 105 (to date) is a pretty mean feat for any one's body, but to contend with the added impact of grief on top of that and I wonder why? I am trying not to sound like I'm complaining, for I know how bloody lucky I am to be here carrying this little girl within. I just wish I'd treated my body with some respect and got prepared for lay ahead...
But who knew eh?

Why is it that whenever I'm thinking of a post to write, the act of writing it changes the content - frustrating.


A few days later...

The reason why I don't write here all that often isn't because I haven't got anything to say necessary, but I have been able to get it out of my system in another way. Mainly it is through talking with other BLMs and writing it all down in emails, or in journals. I'm getting my fix of venting in other ways because I have some valuable people around me that can give me their time; to listen, to read, to let me talk of what is going through my head and to give feedback.
Granted, the 'Tourette's' has calmed down considerably and its not a main fixture in my thoughts these days, but the need to have Elizabeth's life validated and remembered by others is so very great, especially with her birthday coming.

I also have a hell of a lot going on with this pregnancy, it is more mental than anything else and just talking to 'normal expectants' (the non-BLM with a subsequent pregnancy) is like talking to a Martian; we're so completely on different plants. They're so full of innocence, so full of trust, hope, joy and excitement - everything I was with Taggpole and to a lesser extent with Elizabeth. I just can't talk with them; it shows me what I had, what I lost and will never have again. There is also the added bonus of whether to let onto the fact that this is my third pregnancy without a living child; do I deny my children, or do I stun the 'expectant' into a frightened silence?

So I lurk on the blogs of other BLMs who have their 'rainbows' in arm, read their back stories and learn from them - I do that as I know there is a 'happy ending' to be had. I am also very, very lucky that I have a few beautiful people in my real life that honestly want to know what is going on with me, who 'get it' and who almost have a vested interest in my happiness.

I started this blog as my space where I can offload all my mental shit down somewhere, so that I didn't have to burden anyone else with it all. Everything was just so raw, painful and so very mixed up and over time I have been able to find a little sense; a little clarity of thought that I am able to put emotions into words without the 'Tourette's' over coming me.

There has been a new layer of skin applied to me also; another form of protection that acts as a barrier to all the triggers that infest the world (and I know I'm one of them), it is a work in progress. Time doesn't heal; that is bollocks - I could live for a thousand years and always feel that shocking pain of loss; I will always want my Elizabeth here in my arms. All 'time' does, is allow you to breathe, deal with the heartache, muster the courage to want to carry on, put your shattered self together and learn to live again. This pregnancy has brought healing of sorts too. It has given me purpose and meaning back. It gives me reasons to pick up the pieces, to want to look after myself (if only for the one I'm carrying), to make plans (even if its not very far into that future), to consider something else apart from the overwhelming unfairness.

Opening up my thoughts and heart to other BLMs and choice family members has lead to deeper thought - the superficial living has, I think subsided for awhile and I'm comfortable in the here and now. Getting their opinions, their view on things has paved the way to fresh, new and undiscovered thoughts and that is what I miss with writing to myself/who-knows-who; writing here. I miss being stretched in that respect, my way isn't the be all and end all of everything now; I can see past my own grief - I've got to. That is the main reason why writing here seems to be lower on my list of priories and really connecting with people that I can converse with I find so much more fulfilling.

I knew a time would come when I could let My Space grow on its own accord; not have to tend to it, feed it all the time - I am not abandoning it. I might try a different approach though, see how I go with quick succinct posts (can I write a brief and clearly expressed post?). I still want this place to document the facts of where I am, I just think its going to change somewhat - just as life is changing...

I am still a mess of emotions/thoughts, how do I start with cutting the crap from them; making them short and brief, yet to the point? I've always been a rambler.

A succinct update?

I'm getting on top of things for Elizabeth's birthday. I'm chipping away at the long list of little things to do and it feels good to be doing something towards it daily. It is a relief more than anything else, not a chore to be daunted, and I'm quite proud of my small accomplishments. I hope its going to be a case of anticipation being worse than the day itself - I don't want the 22nd to be sad and all about me and what we've lost, I want to remember her with only love in my heart.

Almost another 22nd upon us, this is however over shadowed with her birthday so close - maybe the fresh, pink oriental lilies will open for then, filling our home with their beautiful scent?

Ma sent me this photo a few days back from her back garden

Taken on June 22nd 2011

Always taken on the 22nd, our little Elizabeth shining through to warm our hearts.

Pregnancy update

24 weeks + 4 days and Amelia is weighing in at approx 700g - the lower weight limit of the NICU is 500g, relief of sorts. Yes, we've named this new soul Amelia Layne, there is no reason to keep that information secret - I want to shout it from the roof tops and we've both found it a great way of bonding with her.

This morning at 25 weeks

I am piling on the weight now (2kg in 2 weeks!) without changing eating/exercise habits (growth spurt hopefully) and have the GTT (Glucose Tolerance Test) next week - fingers crossed.
I'm seeing my OB, Penny every 2 weeks still and have booked the level 2 ultrasounds for 28 and 32 weeks - needed to check placental placement (very low, not quite previa at the 20 week scan) and her growth.
Thyroid good, BP and FHB good. Feeling lots of strong kicks/movements. Skin clearing up and feeling good on the whole - if not a tad old, slow and achy.