Kitchen Table - Glow In The Woods

I'm taking part in the new Kitchen Table discussion over at Glow In The Woods

1. How much time has passed since the death of your child(ren)? Do you mark grief in months, weeks or years? Does it seem to be going fast or slow?


It'll be a year since Elizabeth's birth and death in 23 days. At first I counted the weeks just as you would a newborn, but after her 6 months I would just mark each 22nd that came by. Now with her birthday looming, I guess it'll be in years. Time has done some strange things, but on the whole, I think it has just sped by in a blink of an eye - how is it already her birthday?


2. Do you have an end goal to your grief? How much time do you think that will take? How much time did you think you'd need to get there right after your loss? How much time do you think you need now?


I was always conscious of not being bullied into 'getting over her' and really didn't have a clue in those Dark Days what life held for me - I was just more concerned getting through the day. At about the 6 month mark, I noticed an ease to those Dark Days of such intense grieving and I could see and feel a ray of hope. I know now that I'll be forever holding onto a deep sadness that she isn't here with us and I'm okay with that.


3. Rather than a clear goal, is there a milestone or marker to indicate that you are feeling grief less acutely, i.e. going to a baby shower, listening to a song that made you cry early in grief, driving past the hospital? How long did it take to get there?


I have a choice with the usual everyday triggers (of seeing the newborns, our pram being used by others, over hearing gushing mothers with their babes, along with certain songs) I can choose to not let it get to me; to not be sensitized to it and put my 'strong head' on and that has only just occurred to me in the last month. But with the things that I'm still avoiding; i.e. holding newborns or having anything to do with them - well, I'm just not going there yet and luckily I have no need to.


4. How do you view the time you had with your child, either alive (within or outside) or already deceased? Before you answer "too short! Not enough!", did you have time to "bond" or develop a future imagination about what this child would be like? Perhaps depending on whether yours was cut short, how do you feel about the nine-month period of gestation -- too long or not long enough?


Elizabeth died at birth, at 39 weeks and 3 days. I loved being pregnant and cherished every moment I had with her. Elizabeth was our second pregnancy, we lost Taggpole at 16 weeks and I thought I knew grief then? So I wrote journals, I took belly photos and at 12 weeks we found out (CVS) we we're having a daughter and named her then; oh the dreams and aspirations we had. 


I am 27 weeks (almost) into this third pregnancy and while I love this babe within, I am still getting my head around the uncertainty of this pregnancy; the whole nine-months is far too long...  
But if this is all I'm getting with this beloved one, then of course it would be far too short.


Having Elizabeth stay with us for the duration of my hospital stay (a day and a half) was a blessing and will forever have those vivid memories of us as a new family. I cherish the photos taken, the moments of love shared between us and seeing the father and mother in us shine through the shocking truth.


5. One grief book suggested that it took 2-5 years to incorporate grief into your life. Where are you on this timeline, and do you find that to do true?


Well I'm so far off that mark at just a year. I think I woven this stage of grief into my life, into our lives at home. I'm not sure things will be so easy after Elizabeth's sister is born. All being well, we'll be faced with everything we've been missing and the thought of that alone is quite over whelming.
There is comfort in knowing that the 2-5 year mark is such a way off, it leaves plenty of time to figure that one out.


6. There's a familiar saying, "Time heals all wounds." Do you think this is true? Or do you subscribe to Edna St. Vincent Milay: "Time does not bring relief, you have all lied"?


"Time heals all wounds" is bollocks. As so many have already stated it allows you to grow stronger, to deal with the gaping empty hole, the longing, the heartache, the sadness and pain. Time allows you to adapt, to carry your child in your heart rather than on the outside for all to see. Time allows you to see other things, to feel and to want to live again. Time allows you to grow skin over that wound, but all that scar tissue is so very sensitive and easily ruptured.


7. Has your relationship with the future (immediate and far) changed since the death of your child(ren)? How about your relationship with the past?


The Dark Days I couldn't see past my own nose; my own grief. I still can't see or envision anything more than two weeks away, but that is due to this pregnancy and the next hospital appointment.  My imaginings about the future are just so abstract; too many variables, too many what ifs - it's not something that I've had to consciously and I don't fight that.
The past is very different though and have heard others have described it as 'before' and 'after' their child's death very aptly. I lived to plan the next adventure and there is to me a rose tinted-ness to the past on a whole, a life without accident, death and such heartbreak. I lived a charmed life and I never fully knew it.


8. How long did it take you to answer these questions?


About an hour - lots of staring out of the window and taking pleasure in the rain falling