I'll find you in the bright colours and quite places, always remembered beautiful Elizabeth - Auntie K

Thursday, July 25

A Quick Catch Up

I've been living. I think that sums up the past year and a half aptly.

Amelia will be two in three months and my last post was a week or so after she was born. Elizabeth's third birthday is just a month away - I feel sad and guilty when I think of my beautiful girl. I think I struggle to hold onto the love I feel for her, but all it takes is a moment of deep thought and she is near again.

I am thankful for that.

I've been so engrossed into the loving of the hot ball of energy that is her little sister that I didn't have time for anything else - for my grief, for myself and husband. It's only been recently that things have changed a little, Millie is growing up fast, she doesn't need me quite so much as she used to and I find myself with spare moments to think. She is sleeping in her own room, in her own bed and loves both. She is becoming so independent, so happy and so quick - both on her feet and mentally.

I do feel I've pushed Elizabeth away, pushed the heartache and grief away from our happiness which is my everyday life. I now know what I'm missing, I know what it is to mother a living child and that tears me apart - not just for me, but my darling girl who didn't get the chance to live. It's not just about me and how her death effected me, the sadness is that Elizabeth died.

A part of me did, but I am still alive to live a life - she is not. It is so final.

I tell myself on an almost daily basis that I'm loving Elizabeth through Millie, doing the best by her, being more of a conscious parent and being there whenever she needs me. Elizabeth has shaped me into the mother I am - I'm a stay at home Ma and have no intention of going back to work before she's at school. I suppose I'm juggling my daughters needs and well being and Millie wins, she is the one who is living and thriving.

But as I said, things are getting lighter and easier, and I have more time to myself. I'm growing too, my grief is changing - I just need to touch base more regularly with the deeper thoughts that I shove away when I'm living.

Amelia's first 6 months were a steep learning curve. I was on a high during most of that time too thankfully - so damned grateful to have her here at home with us, so in awe of her just living and growing, getting to know her and building a stronger bond. Looking back now it's a blur of sleeplessness, wonder and pure joy... with always a whisper of what could have been with Elizabeth.
I started a daily journal from that point onward - before I got into bed I would write a page in her book of the things we'd done that day, her latest trick, new words and how she'd wowed us. A. and I would really enjoy doing that and I hope that Millie will enjoy reading that when she's older. 365 days we did that, but missed out on adding photos, video clips and the like.

So this is why I'm back at My Space writing again. It's so much easier to add all those things, to take a proper slice of life, rather than just words. I can't say that I'll be posting each day, more like weekly. My aim for the next 20 or so posts is to catch up - show a month of Millie's life in photos and clips, so I have a place to see them all, jot notes and collate stories. I've not really sorted through her first 6 months of photos and I guess that's where we've got the most pictures from - I have her journal from 6-18 months.

There is another reason too, I'm pregnant again.

I didn't get my fertility back until Millie weaned herself just before her first birthday, and then it took seven cycles to fall pregnant. A long, long seven cycles. I'd buried a lot of feelings wound up with the whole TTCing process, it just threw me back to when I was trying to conceive Millie and to a lesser extent Elizabeth - the desperation, jealously and the inability to even look at another pregnant woman with anything but envy, petty and a whole lot of sadness too. Not a pretty look, so I wouldn't think deeply and avoid putting myself into harms way.
I recently read Brooke's post about her thoughts and feelings on Other Peoples Pregnancies and felt validated - I'm not the only one who feels like I'm living on another planet - Planet My Baby Died... although she is so eloquent and gets to the point succinctly, so very unlike me.

So yes, it has been a long road to getting here for me. Conceiving Taggpole and Elizabeth only took three months apiece and with Millie it took slightly longer due to my unstable thyriod function (four and a half months). Charting, OPKs, acupuncture, Chinese herbs, moxa and even oesteotherapy. Not to mention all the sex - it's been exhausting for us.

But we're off the starting blocks. I can't really say anything more than that - we're hopeful, but we have our eyes wide open. I'm going with the mantra that took me through Millie's pregnancy; I'm pregnant right now, things are okay until they're not.


I'm currently 5 weeks. I found out really early 3 weeks and 2 days (DPO 12) because I have short cycles and ovulated on CD 12. I remember getting to DPO 11 and just waiting all day for the cramping to come - it didn't and the thought of the test waiting for me in the morning was keeping me awake - and then needing the loo at 2am. So I did the test then and saw the faint line and spent the following hours looking back at the Pumpkin Pages and finding out the due date, getting so very excited.

Until the morning light when reality set in.

I don't really want to think about this pregnancy too much - I don't want to do the excited 'normal' pregnant innocent bit, just to be brought back down to earth with one huge bump; the guilt, the presumption, the loss and the sadness. It's too much right now. Then I get guilt for not wanting to be a little excited that we have another baby on the way - my fourth pregnancy. Round and round we go, where we stop, no body knows.

I want to get things down here about this pregnancy, just as I did for Millie's - I loved reading the Pumpkin Pages, so without further ado...

Beta hCG levels:
15th July (12:05) DPO 14 = 155
17th July (3pm) DPO 16 = 374... Doubling time 40hrs
25th July (6am) DPO 24 = 8670 ... Doubling time 40hrs + progesterone 80.5nmol/l

If you squint you can make it out.

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