From The Back Foot

I feel as if I'm living a pace behind myself these days, always on the catch up and not really in the front seat of my life. For the most part I think I'm okay with that - I haven't the strength to do much about it to be honest; the superficial living continues.

Time has done some weird things; it has sped up and the days have turned into weeks - the months however have morphed into year long things, the future hasn't looked so far away or abstract.

I continue to write a lot in lots of different places, for the most part I'm connecting with people rather than just writing my mind here. I have been trying to catch up with the unanswered mails that overflow my inbox, it is something that I do give myself a hard time about because these people mean so much to me. I never fail to feel a little better having replied to someone; chipping slowly away at them.
I have also kept an open tab to the Right Where I am Project of Angie's and every moment I get to sit down and read; I devour the responses there. Every time I do, there is yet another twenty or so names added. I find reading those snippets into parents lives so enlightening and gain much from them, in some ways I wish to always be catching up with those.

The main thing that has put me on the back foot recently is the knowledge that we are expecting a sister to Elizabeth.  While that news thrilled us initially (the high was quite awesome), a lot of adjustment has had to come; mainly the fact that I can't wish everything different now. I can't wish the time to be turned back in order to have Elizabeth back with me, or else lose this little girl and I love her so completely. I'm over half way now and it has only just sunk in that I'm going to have another baby, regardless of the outcome, I'm expecting another daughter, I will birth her, I will hold her - will I bring her into the world a live, will I bring her home to out live me?
With all these heightened feelings for Elizabeth's sister, I find that keeping Elizabeth close just as hard, but I am calm about it now. I can only do as much as I am and I can only do so much in a day. I know it will come to a head, but it feels like a trap that I'm walking straight into with my eyes wide open.

My life is so very busy still, but its not doom and gloom, I don't want to give that impression at all; this is merely a vent for all the mental stuff that I'm clearly not dealing with right now. In my days I do wear a smile and yes it does truly reach my eyes at many times. I am growing with a pride that I can't knock. I love being pregnant and that is my overwhelming feeling; of awe and wonderment - being unable to project myself into the future has that effect on me; I am present and I am calm. I can dip into the feelings of excitement, just as much as I can into the fear and anxiousness of the uncertain, so I tend to want to stay here balanced. I'm just hoping I can ride this calm some more - the calm before the storm? Fuck I hope not.

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I'd like to put the spotlight onto the Australian Red Nose Day this coming Friday; this is the major fundraising day for SIDS & Kids. An amazing organisation, I know I'd be lost without them! I attend their monthly group meetings (of which they have many different ones tailored to meet the needs of parents), have a counsellor to call 24/7 and used them as our first port of call on all things to do with our grief in our real lives; from news letters, book loans, written and practical information, to making valuable contacts within the babyloss community. As well as providing free 24 hour, 365 day bereavement services, they also educate and research prevention and causes of sudden and unexpected death of babies during pregnancy, birth, infancy and childhood. A true life line for me.

Also on Friday SIDS & Kids are holding a Remembrance Service in the city for all those wishing to remember their children. A and I are going and we're both actually looking forward to the prospect too - it is something we can physically do to remember Taggpole and Elizabeth. It will be a very emotive day, sharing a space together with so many where we can be the grieving parents we are on the inside and letting it show on the outside.